Freaked the Eff Out!

Okay, so I have been busily reading all day, and I idly asked myself where a forum buddy has been.

Death.

The person has not been online in two months.  I actually owe them money, as they sent me some great decks but neglected to send their PayPal info.  I honestly never would have expected them to mail the decks before having payment.  I have sent PMs via the forum, and emails to the listed address, trying to get the money to them, with no response.

The only, only, only time I have ever had the Death card mean a physical death was for my own grandfather, but he was in cardiac failure in a hospice, so it's not like that was a surprise.  I hope I am keeping that record, but I am unlikely to find out unless they just pop on one day.  *crossing fingers*


Update - March 2, 2010:  My friend showed up, money was sent, and all is well.  Whew.

Wash, Rinse, Repeat

Well, my daily draws have not been all that interesting, really, except in the fact that it has been the same three cards, in varying combination, over and over for the past several days.

Daily Draw - The Devil

Rinse, repeat.

I am not kidding, these are the things I deal with.  Repeating cards, decks that think they know more than me.  And of course, they do.

I'm not done with the Devil yet, so it seems.

It's not wrong to indulge in our baser desires from time to time, on the contrary, balance is what makes us whole individuals.  The Devil, however, does not speak of balance.  The Devil twists the perfect alchemy of Temperance, turning it into something ugly, and what once served is now obsession.

For example, it is not wrong to like your things neat and tidy, but when it is crippling to not have them so, the act of mad scouring is not an act of control, but of being controlled.

Another piece of the Devil is that the worse we feel about ourselves, the more we turn to the behaviors he speaks of, and the worse we feel.  It is a cycle.  Feel like crap, drink a bottle of wine, stuff a box of Twinkies down our gullets, buy fantastically expensive Jimmy Choo shoes we can't really afford.  No one understands me, I am too disgusting for human contact, who cares if I download 100 MB of porn and hole up in a dark room all day?  It's my life.

There is popular belief to call the Devil the Christian Lucifer, Satan, but that is inaccurate.  The Devil of tarot cards is more accurately related to Pan, the merry, randy goat man of Greek myth, or Dionysus, lost in the pleasures of the flesh.  The medieval Christian Church deemed these things unholy, so they came, of course, from "the devil."  It's much easier to blame an outside entity for our addictions, obsessions, and general unhealthy behaviors.  "The devil made me do it."  The devil inside of us is more fearful, and thusly harder to face, than any other.  It would be more palatable to blame a ferocious demon for the nasty things we do, to ourselves and others, than to look deep inside and realize that just as God is in all of us, so the devil can be, too.  And that notion is less appealing.

For the record, it is my belief that Lucifer, the fallen angel, is probably so beautiful it would hurt to look on him, because beauty is enticing.

I have had the Devil appear for people who need to let go and let loose, invite a little more pleasure into their lives, but for me, today, I think it is about unraveling the ties in my life that are no longer healthy.  There are people and things we bind ourselves to, exquisite silver cords stretching between us, ensuring constant link and empathy, but sometimes those cords transform into chains, and it is important to recognize when that has happened, and then be prepared to undo those ties.

Daily Draw - The Devil

Update:  Still for trade or sale : one less loved Deviant Moon tarot.

Of course I should get the Devil today.  Why not?

Well, I am sorely tempted to stay home today, even though I know I shouldn't.  I am battling anxiety pretty deeply, and I am worried I am one mean look away from a complete breakdown, which of course can't happen at home, unless you count the dirty looks I shoot myself in the mirror sometimes.

I am so tempted to just stay home, where I can snuggle my NicNoodle all day, and escape into books.  The Devil signifies what scares us, too, and things we are bound to.  When anxiety surpasses normal levels, everything is scary, and too much to deal with.

The Devil is negative thinking, bad habits, temptations that are nearly irresistible.  Today, I would count myself lucky to just get through.

My Devil is anxiety, sneaky, insidious, insistent that it is all my fault, and I should just pull myself together.

Daily Draw - The Lovers

Hahahahahahahahahaha!

Haha!

*snicker* *snort*

Ha!

For sale or trade - One well used, although gently, once loved Deviant Moon tarot deck(emphasis on once).  Has a bit of a bad attitude and a snarky sense of humor.  Has no filter, and is likely to embarrass you on your blog.  Will trade for a soft, sweet Whimsical tarot.

Deviant Moon, you and your Lovers card can kiss my, well you get the picture.

The thing about love, is, often times, it does not seem to love us back.  The thing about love is, it's dangerous, and it's sweet poison can be so seductive, so entrancing, that we willingly stand there and let the viper bite us.  We can lose ourselves in it, and while that can be the best feeling in the world, it can also be a dangerous place to put ourselves in.  That is because to love truly, and to love wholly, we have to be vulnerable, naked (not just physically), and we have to take that risk, over and over, moment by moment.  And we have to be able to trust someone else with holding the very essence of who we are in their hands.

There is another take on this particular image, one that just occurred to me, after my jaded, mean side got to have its' say.  She is lost in the rapture, completely surrendered to him.  She is literally swooning, and he is holding her up.  Her eyes are closed, lost in the ecstasy of the moment, but his are open wide.  Is he offering himself to the snake, thereby protecting her?

Patrick Valenza's, the deck creator,  take on the card is thus: Locked in a passionate hold, two lovers embrace by a desert lake.  The moon casts a hypnotic trance upon them.  A snake injects them with venom.

Hmm, less helpful than one might hope, although a lake in a desert is a pretty rare thing.  That would be a place where one would want to be, a place to refresh themselves and be filled with the necessary supplies to move on.  But, when one dares not trust to hope, even good things can look dangerous.

Airy Gemini rules the Lovers, and in the RWS version, the archangel Raphael, who has the power to heal,  looks down upon Adam and Eve, before the fall, yet the infamous serpent is still there, waiting his part.  She is looking at the angel, and he (the human) is looking at her.  Gemini facilitates the soul deep communication needed to integrate these two halves of a whole, and the angel Raphael provides the healing that will bind them together, like broken bones that knit tighter than before.  The key, though, is that they have to be willing participants, and I am not sure that I am.  This requires a trust that I am not sure I have yet, a trust in Spirit, who the angel willingly serves, a trust in another person, and, probably deepest of all, a trust in myself that I do not feel sure of anymore.

These images are from the Deviant Moon tarot by Patrick Valenza for US Games Systems, Inc and the Aquatic Tarot by Andreas Schroter.

Intuitive Astrology -The Sun

So I am going to be working my way through the book Intuitive Astrology by Elizabeth Rose Campbell, and you all get to go along with me.

I am fascinated with the science of astrology, but I am overwhelmed with the sheer mass of information that can be found, and it is quite daunting.

So, I considered, Why do I want to learn astrology? The answer is, as for many things, so I can relate it to tarot and learn more and grow further, and also so I can know myself better, so that I can continue to be true to my own self, because that is where I believe true wholeness lies, for me, at least. That led me to begin with a book that focuses on personal astrology, as I feel this will be the best way for me to learn and apply what I find out to my working of tarot.

So, I embark on this journey. There are quite a few sites where one can find out their chart, in great detail. I got this one here.

From page 27 - Find the Sun in your life by completing this sentence:

Above all else I want to - shine bright, and be who I really am. Above all else, I want to feel whole, and good about myself. I want to dwell in the light, and not be frightened by my own shadow.

I want to love and be loved, fully, and wholly, and without fear.

I want to be a good mother, and raise my children to be proud of who they are, whole, and happy themselves.

I want my life to be fragrant with the presence of Spirit, gentle yet awe inspiring, and magical.

I want to write beautiful stories, string words together in such a way that they are changing, and life affirming.

I want to live, experience everything, taste it all. I want to eat good food, and drink good wine, feel my toes get kissed by waves as they dig into white sand. I want to swoosh down a mountainside, snowflakes caught in my hair, and most of all I want to never, ever regret a single moment.

My Sun is in Taurus, represented by the Hierophant, in traditional tarot. The purpose of the Hierophant is to bring the sacred from Heaven to earth, echoing the Lord's Prayer, "Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done, on earth, as it is in Heaven." I do not care for the traditional RWS image of the holy man, who seems anything but, preferring gentler images, such as this one, from the Shadowscapes Tarot, ones that speak of the goodness of God, of His loving care, of His infinite compassion.  My God is one of kindness, and mercy, and all good things flow from Him, and He has not destroyed the Goddess, but is fully integrated with Her, appearing to each of us as we can best understand.

I crave stability, and beauty, and gentility in my life, and I try so hard to be a sweet presence in the lives I touch.





These images are from the Shadowscapes Tarot by Stephanie Pui-mun Law, forthcoming from Llewellyn.

Dear Deviant Moon,

What is your favorite card? Yes, you, the deck. Which card do you like best?

Five of Wands. I should have known. You like to shake things up, and you are not afraid of conflict. When chaos is the overriding energy, you like to wade right in to the heat of it, because calm must be restored. Inner doubts and fears can arise, causing a mess in one's inner landscape, and although you do not enjoy the strife, you do enjoy the sorting out.

Fives are the shake up, the change, the tempering fire. Wands are the passion, and naturally, when dealing with so much fire, one is bound to get burned sometimes. The thing about uncomfortable emotions, even pain, is that they cause us to do what is needful. Getting a minor burn that hurts like a mutha keeps us from getting a third degree burn that does not hurt, but causes irreparable damage. We yelp and pull our hand back before it can get much worse.

So, I can draw the conclusion that you like to help me make sense of the inner turmoil I feel sometimes, sorting it out, thread by thread when needed, and that you enjoy being the voice of reason in what can be a pretty unreasonable place at times.

Awesome.

This image is from Deviant Moon Tarot by Patrick Valenza for US Game Systems, Inc.

Daily Draw - Page of Cups, Justice, Four of Wands

Well, today I have managed to draw my cards in the morning, rather than the evening, which is fortunate because I work this evening, grudgingly.

I do not feel as icked out by the Page today as I did yesterday, and since we are stuck together for two days in a row, I suppose this is a good thing. The resemblance of this draw to yesterday's is striking though. Both led off with the Page of Cups, both with a rather somber Major in the middle, and both capped off at the end with a card that me represents love, stability, and every good thing in life.

Justice always leaves me with a little cold feeling in the pit of my stomach, though it is associated with my ascending sign, Libra, and the ascendant in astrology being the mask one wears to the world. Justice, to me, smacks of getting what one deserves, and I suppose that I feel I deserve only not so good things, so I am not usually thrilled to see it.

The Four of Wands is one of my favorite cards in this deck. The couple is clasping hands in front of their humble abode. They are making a vow, a promise, binding themselves, one to another. Fours indicate stability, and Wands concern passion, spirit. My particular make up requires that I have a lot of stability in my life, so it is always good to see this card.

For today, it seems I can expect a message about love, that should be greeted with a cool, calm rationale. Making my reaction balanced and logical will actually give the message the space and air it needs to root itself firmly and blossom into a stabilizing vine. Because the middle card is a Major, I feel that my reaction to the message is the key component in how the situation will play out, so I will have to remember to keep my fire grand trine under control and let my cool, Libra mask show to the world today.

Which, truly, does not make a lot of sense to me right now, but I am sure by the end of the day, it will!

If I was reading these cards for someone else, I would probably feel a strong indication of a marriage proposal, as the Page is the herald of all things love, and the Justice figure looks very much like he is presiding over a marriage ceremony for the couple in the Four of Wands. However, no one wants to marry me, to the best of my knowledge, and that is really just as well, since I do not want to marry anyone, either. *grin*

Oh yes, the base card, what I consider hidden knowledge, or something the Querent (who is me in this case) does not really want to face, is the King of Swords, Libra again. The King of Swords is the court card that most resembles Justice, so it is affirming to see it here again. He balances both sides of an issue before coming to a conclusion, applying keen intelligence and good advice, and that is going to be an important energy for me today.


Update:  Well, today did not turn out exactly the way I expected.  My message of love turned out to be a bit, err, corrupt, with the offer of an artistic partnership that would most decidedly not be in my best interests.  Fun, yes, but good for me, no.  I am a little too into this guy who has a little bit too little to offer, and I tend to lose myself in that kind of romance too easily.  I got excellent advice from a friend, and I have decided that although it would be fun to take him up, it would not be stable, which is, above all, my most important priority.  *sigh*  Why does it seem like love doesn't always love us?

These images are from Deviant Moon tarot by Patrick Valenza for US Games Systems, Inc.

Daily Draw - Page of Cups, Hanged Man, Ten of Cups

Who knows why I do the things I do sometimes? I pulled three cards today, just because of the way the wind is blowing (and it is blowing here).

So, according to these cards, the Page tickling the chin of the little fish he is carrying around with him, the Hanged Man in stoic silence as he looks to the happy family in the Ten of Cups, I should be getting a message about love, which I may have to wait patiently for, but will bring me something I desire above all else.

That's a nice dream, but this is the Deviant Moon I am working with, haha.

That fish is completely at the mercy of the Page. A Cup may sustain a fish, but it is certainly not the optimal place for it to live. The Page may think he is doing the fish a favor, but wouldn't the more compassionate thing be to let the fish free in the water behind him? The Page thinks he understands fishy nature so well; he even emulates the fish by donning a cloak that makes him look like one. But he really doesn't know anything. He is walking away from the Hanged Man, selfishly congratulating himself on holding the magic fish in his hands.

The Hanged Man has time hanging from his heel. He takes this "timeout" with a hard face, but I do not really believe his hands are tied behind him. He can hop on down from there any time he chooses. He is just biding his time.

The mother figure in the Ten of Cups cannot stop touching her man. She can't believe he is home, and safe, and she will never take another moment for granted. He can eat crackers in her bed anytime now, and leaving his socks on the floor doesn't seem like such a big deal, after not having him for so long.

These cards remind me that I have some things I need to do before I can expect to have that "traditional" family again. The kidkins and I are for sure a family, with my brother, D, but I want all of that, and more. I need to look at my motivations, and question if I really know as much about relationships as I think I know. I need to go ahead and do my grieving, and stop trying to put it off, or act like I don't care. And I need to appreciative for all that I already do have.

The shadow card for the reading is the Sun, hiding, just like the sun here today, which always causes me to have trouble regulating my own moods. I crave sunshine, I need it. The card reminds me to go ahead and let the Sun shine bright in my inner world, so that I can admire everything about it that is good, and right, and working, and see clearly those things that are not.





These images are from Deviant Moon tarot by Patrick Valenza for US Games Systems, Inc.

Daily Draw- Four of Swords

This is a good day to just rest, let my mind be at ease, and not worry about the "stuff."

My Little Big Man broke his arm yesterday. Well, more accurately, his arm was broken when a rather large child tackled him while they were playing football. Which is a perfectly reasonable thing to do when playing football. But we all know mothers can't be reasonable, not when a little one is hurt, anyway.

It was painful and stressful for him, painful and stressful for me, and today we are just laying around, making oatmeal pecan cookies, reading, and resting. Which my cards seem to think is exactly what we should be doing.

This image is from Deviant Moon Tarot by Patrick Valenza for US Game Systems, Inc.

Poor, Neglected Blog

Summer has completely gotten away from me!

When I started this blog, I had the best of intentions. I was going to come here every day with something so witty, so heartbreakingly beautiful to say, and I am just severely falling short of that mark. Sometimes my feet hurt and I am hungry and cranky and my kids are being brats and I all I can do is wonder,"Why me?"

I think some of my issue with writing here is that I am aware that not only my eyes see it, though I adore interacting with people this way. I get nervous sometimes because I have put myself on display, and while I do not believe in dwelling in negative feelings, I also don't believe in not facing them when I have them. But I don't expect anyone else to have to deal with my darkside blatherings, ya dig?

My blog has languished, but my ink-and-paper tarot journal has positively blossomed! I think, though, that I am ready to climb back on the ol' tarot blogging horse and let that pony run. I feel compelled to kick it old school style with either Seventy Eight Weeks, or possibly a one deck wonder type of study. I dunno, but I am happy, happy to be back!

Scanner Woes

Ugh so my scanner has decided to stop working and this is distressing for me except that I sagely scanned all of the Deviant Moon deck, so I guess I shall be working with that one exculsively for a bit on the blog. Well, that is one way to force PDR posts!

Daily Draw - Eight of Swords

The Eight of Swords is generally one of my favorite cards in a deck. As much as no one wants to be "that girl", I can relate to her in large part. She is bound, and waiting for someone to save her, when she should be saving herself.

I got this this card in a personal reading I did last night, and I knew instantly what it meant there. The ties that bind people together cannot necessarily be easily broken, even when it hurts to be bound that way, even when it would be best to just move on.

Daily Draw - Ace of Cups

After yesterday's throw down with the love cards, I should not be surprised to see the Ace of Cups as my daily draw card today.

This Ace can represent a good opportunity to express love to another person, and being a mom is full of those opportunities as well.

The lion grasps a golden cup, and is turned grasped by a hand with an unseen body. A snow covered city is in the background.

I am always happy to see Aces with their blossom of energy, and I could certainly use an infusion of love, intuitiveness, and overflowing Spirit.





This card is from Tarot of Prague by Karen Mahony and Alex Ukolov for Magic Realist Press.

PDR - Soul Card

Tonight, I attended my first Tarot Geeks Meet Up, which was terribly fun. We did the exercises from Tarot For Yourself by Mary K. Greer to figure out personal cards. To figure out the Soul Card, you simply add the days of your birth date together, then reduce them by re adding them until the number is between one and nine. Mine becomes seven, which, as we all know, corresponds to The Chariot.

Some time ago, when I first worked through Tarot For Yourself, I had a very detailed meditation and conversation with the Charioteer in the RWS deck. He told me things like how he could teach me both how to control myself, and how to relinquish control when necessary, because they are two sides of the same coin. It was all very exciting and new for me, and that experience remains a favorite memory because I did not know before then that I had that power. It was heady!

This Chariot is a little difference. He has no steeds to control, no unruly vehicle to force down the path of his choosing. This Chariot is literally his own master, and has to control himself to get to where he wants and needs to go. His confidence and motivation are the driving and determining factors about where he will end up. Not surprisingly, my confidence and determination, and the mastery of the separate parts of myself, are the keys to my success, and I know that. The Chariot is such an interesting card, because it is so often shown as being at rest, but the card should really be all about motion, moving forward, careening even, through time and space, on a collision course with destiny.

"Victory through mastery" is an oft repeated affirmation for this card, and that makes perfect sense to me.





This card is from the Deviant Moon Tarot by Patrick Valenza for US Games.

Deck Review - Rumi Tarot

This week I have used the Rumi Tarot by Nigel Jackson. I adore Persian poetry, I adore the artwork of Nigel Jackson, and I adore tarot, so it should follow that that I would love this deck.

There are many things to love about this deck, in fact. The colors are sumptuous, and the artist reportedly worked at scale. That is, the original paintings for the cards, done in tempera, are the same size as the cards themselves. This fact only becomes more amazing when you consider the Minors, done in miniature portrait style. I thought the small size of the Minors was going to be a bother, but upon working with them, I have not found that to be the case at all. The Minors are fully illustrated, rather than just being decorated pips, but do know the illustrations are miniscule in relation to the size of the card.

The good- the cardstock is thin and flexible, and lightly laminated, with gorgeous colors and stunning artwork. The backs are equally attractive, in my opinion, and it was obviously a labor of love to sift through the prolific works of Rumi to come up with appropriate matches to tarot symbolism. The gentle words of the poet sometimes hit home rather hard, and sometimes that is just what the doctor ordered. The accompanying Guide to the Rumi Tarot is very good for what it is, and I am so glad it was included. Most of the messages are very upbeat and positive, although there are some that just put it out there, too, which is good. I like to have a balance in my decks, because life is like that, the salty and the sweety combine to make the most flavorful palette.

The bad- Llewellyn packaging is redundant. Black organza bag, useless cardboard inner box. As much as I love Rumi, I do not care for keywords on my tarot cards, and I feel like the poetry on each card is akin to keywords, telling one how to interpret the card. I am having a great deal of trouble reconciling some of the court cards, in particular, to their poetry snippet. In addition, the gold borders on my cards are showing quite a bit of wear for only being used for a week, and I do not riffle shuffle.

I will definitely be holding onto this deck, but I do not see it becoming a main reading deck for me. I think it is beautiful, and I am likely to continue drawing single cards from it, but I am having a difficult time putting the poetry and images into a coherant reading format when an actual spread is used. This is user error, I am sure. *grin*






These images are from the Rumi Tarot by Nigel Jackson for Llewellyn.

Daily Draw - Knight of Cups

Today, I drew the Knight of Cups, and as is my wont when drawing court cards, usually, I also drew a clarifier, the Two of Cups.

Whoa, baby!

I see the Knight as the most intense expression of a suit, in this case, probably about love, as it is the Knight of Cups, which is reinforced with the Two of Cups drawn when I asked for more information.

Why is it we can sometimes be so scared to possibly get that which we most desire?

The twin dragons in the Two of Cups bring to mind my favorite series of books, A Song of Fire and Ice by George R.R. Martin. There are dragons in the books, and these two could certainly represent fire and ice, the duality of the twos, the harmonic convergence of two seeming opposites, which brought to mind a poem by Robert Frost -

Some say the world will end in fire;
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To know that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.

Update: As I was shuffling randomly, for no good reason, but only because I like to have something to do with my hands, I was thinking about what these two cards could mean today, when I got a clear and most distinct jumper (a card that JUMPS out of the deck, begging to be read) - The Lovers. I am so perplexed...

Update #2: Well, I did not meet the love of my life today, at least I don't think I did, but a very attractive man with skin like mahogany said, "hey sexy" to me on the street as I walked to the Tarot Geeks Meet Up. I did not stop to talk to him, but I am not yet enlightened enough to not take some small, secret pleasure in that.

These cards are from the Rumi Tarot by Nigel Jackson for Llewellyn.

Daily Draw - Temperance

I am not the most temperate person I know, so I am actually surprised this card does not pop up more often for me, as advice, as what I need more of in my life. Sometimes, though, Temperance is about the blending of opposites, as well as the quality of moderation. So, what opposites do I need to blend?

I am enamored of the angel's beautiful, colorful wings. I think the colors in this deck are surpassingly lovely, all around.





This card is from the Rumi Tarot by Nigel Jackson for Llewellyn.

Daily Draw - Wheel of Fortune

Usually, when I draw this card in the morning, it is an indication of a good, prosperous day at work. I'll take it!

The sentiment expressed in the snippet of poetry is a powerful one - become your own fortune.

The larger context of the poem is thus:

When, O spiritual one, you have become your own fortune, then being yourself your fortune you will never lose it. How, O fortunate one, can you ever lose yourself when your real self is your treasure and your kingdom?

Value of self is a difficult concept for me, but I am not doing myself any favors by not taking care of myself.

Update- It was a great night at work, indeed quite profitable and I was pleased!

This card is from the Rumi tarot by Nigel Jackson for Llewellyn.